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Past Joke Of The Week Jul 12, 2010
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PAST "JOKE OF THE WEEK"

 

  • Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my  age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!?  Like a newborn baby!?'  

Yep.  No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 

 

Joke submitted by Don (have I got a joke for you) Sorensen 

If you want to stop Don and these "jokes", please submit one of your own.

He has to be stopped!

 

  • What is the best form of birth-control after the age of 50?

 

nudity

 

(submitted by Elaine Blair)

 

 

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

 

(Joke submitted by a redhead)

 

Why can't the ghost cross the road?? -- >> B/C he has No gutts!!! 

When is the best time to go to the Dentist?  -->> Tooth thirty !!

 

(Joke submitted by Randy V)

“ One Day a man was walking along a beach in California. He was very upset and depressed. He was cursing out the world. Then out of the sky a loud voice came. The man said GOD is that you?? The voice then replied, YES, my son it’s me, why are you so upset? Can I help you, let me grant you whatever you want if it will make you happy. So the man thought about it for a bit, and then replied back, I want you to build me a bridge from California to Hawaii  that way I can drive there any time I want to .  God then said are you sure about this, think about all the man power and time this would take to build. Isn’t there anything else I could grant you??? So the man thought some more, he then asked god to grant him the power to make him understand women.. he said I want to know what makes them happy, what makes them sad, what their thinking and how to please them…… Then there was a silence.. Finally God said back to the man… did you say you wanted 2 lanes or 4 lanes on that bridge??? “

 

(Joke submitted by Randy V)

 

GOLF LAWS  

LAW 1 - No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2 - Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3 - Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4 - Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5 - No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6 - The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7 - Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8 - Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9 - Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10 - Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11 - Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12 - A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13 - All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14 - Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

LAW 15 - A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16 - "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17 - The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18 - The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19 - Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20 - All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day

 

SUBMITTED BY ONE OF THE WORSE GOLFER IN THE CLUB, YOU FIGURE IT OUT

 

Elevator Magic

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"

 

 

  • Three old Rotarians are out walking.
    First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
    Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
    Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

 

Four men, well along in years, had played golf as a foursome every Sunday morning, until one of them passed away. The other three asked the club pro if he could find them a compatible gentleman to fill out the foursome again. "No problem," answered the pro.

"But, you have to understand," one of the guys, named George, explained, "that Ralph, who died, was like our eyes. We're all getting some cataracts, and have trouble seeing the ball. Ralph's eyesight was perfect, and he was our spotter."

The pro promised to see what he could do, and, when the others returned the following Sunday, he introduced them to a truly ancient looking gentleman, named Walt.

"How old are you?" George asked.

"I'm ninety-four," Walt responded.

"Fabulous," said George. "But how's your eyesight?"

At this, Walt blew up. "Don't insult my eyes," he yelled. "I may be old, but I've got 20-20 vision. I have eyes like an eagle. Don't insult me!"

"Okay, okay," the others said. "Let's play golf."

George was first on the tee, and he hit a long, low drive, that faded significantly after about 200 yards. He turned to Walt.

"Did you see where it went?" he asked the ancient one.

"Did I see where it went? I told you not to insult my eyesight. Of course, I saw where it went. I've got eyes like an eagle!" Walt yelled.

"Okay, I'm sorry," said George. "Where did it go?"

Walt dropped his head, and muttered, "I forgot."

 

Aren't golfers wonderful people?

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and
Lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him..

"I'm dying here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear,"
Says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second
Hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
(Submitted by Don S., a legendary golfer in his own mind)